Syan Vallance: The chosen ones — whoever you spend it with, love is the key to a happy Christmas

There’s nothing like the magic of Christmas as a kid. When I was growing up, my three sisters and I were allowed to dig into our stockings as soon as we woke up, but we couldn’t touch the presents under the tree until our parents were there to supervise. The catch: we were not allowed to wake them before 7am. We could never sleep in until then. One year we were all so excited we got up at 4am. Once we’d raided our stockings — with the usual socks, undies and lollies — we burnt off our energy by jumping on the trampoline until we could wake Mum and Dad. The opening of presents was always followed by a big barbecue breakfast, shared with our neighbours from down the road. I didn’t know it then, but those neighbours were part of our chosen family. I am still best friends with one of them — the daughter of my dad’s good mate — who became an anchor point of joy in my life. We have grown up together, shared the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and countless moments we thought were mundane. I know now those ordinary days were actually the building blocks of identity that helped make us who we are today. I don’t know who I’d be without her. We have laughed together until we couldn’t speak. I have sobbed in her arms so deeply I could barely breathe. We’ve been there through engagements, weddings, divorces, deaths and births. I have held her babies in my arms and known I will love them fiercely forever. She is not my blood relative, but my she is my sister. My chosen family. The idea is not necessarily new, but it is growing. As the traditional nuclear family becomes less common, new family structures are popping up in all shapes and sizes. This is not to say the traditional nuclear family isn’t beautiful. If that’s what you’re waking up to this Christmas, I hope your children build memories as priceless as my own. But for many, that is simply not the reality. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, it is much less likely for millennials to be married with children than previous generations. A recent survey by the Australian Institute of Family Studies of almost 6000 Australians found 41 per cent consider certain close friends to be their ‘chosen family’. While almost two thirds of baby boomers said blood was important or very important in defining a family, that dropped to 24 per cent for Gen Zs. “There is an increasing diversity in views on what it means to be a family,” said study co-author Dr Luke Gahan. “The study shows relationships defined by love and individual choice are coming to the fore when it comes to notions of family — throwing up challenges for law and policymakers, as they try to meet the needs of a changing society.” That society includes a scenario where single and gay men are still unable to access surrogacy at home in WA. If gay parents go overseas to have a child via surrogacy, many aren’t legally recognised. Following an expert panel’s recommendations there is a fresh push to change the laws, to keep up with the changing definition of family. There is still some way to go, but if the younger generations are anything to go by, change is well on its way. There are many people who won’t be able to celebrate Christmas with blood relatives tomorrow for all sorts of reasons. The people gathered around festive feasts together may indeed be part of a nuclear family. It’s just as likely they’ll be blended, or same sex, or simply any combination of humans who love each other. It comes down to openness, inclusion and a celebration of the people who bring you joy. So whether the people sharing your table tomorrow are connected by blood, love, or both — Merry Christmas to you, and your chosen family.